Elmo is an Evil-Doer!!!

I know my wife’s gonna love this!

Elmo Is an Evil Doer!

I’m kinda agreeing with that analysis. Elmo may be a young child’s favorite character, but his mannerism is that of a video game, played over and over at the same level, with no apparent evidence of growth.

ELMO REFUSED to be interviewed for this column. I consider this to be a supreme act of cowardice. And it doesn’t surprise me one bit. Elmo is an annoying tool.

Yes, I know that children love Elmo. But children are idiots. That’s why we don’t let them have jobs. Could you imagine an office full of children? They’d spend all day telling dumb jokes and talking about their poop. It would be like it was before women entered the workplace.

“Sesame Street” — which still has sharp, funny writing — is being destroyed by idiot cuteness. Not only is the patronizing, baby-talking Elmo usurping most of the hour, but “Sesame Street” — which debuted its 37th season Monday — added its first new female Muppet in 13 years: the sparkly haired, tutu-wearing, button-nosed, pink-skinned fairy goddaughter Abby Cadabby. Her shaky magic skills get her in situations she needs to get bailed out of, like the anti-“Bewitched.”

Plus, she’s got that creepy, throaty, little-girl Lindsay Lohan kind of voice, and a Paris Hilton-esque catchphrase: “That’s so magic.” When I watched “Sesame Street” in the ’70s, the human cast and the Muppets were quirky adults who didn’t talk down to me with baby voices. Now the human cast gets almost no airtime, and the show is dominated by Elmo, Baby Bear and, now, Abby Cadabby — preschoolers enamored by their own adorable stupidity.

The lesson they teach — in opposition to Oscar, Big Bird, Grover or Bert — is that bland neediness gets you stuff much more easily than character. We are breeding a nation of Anna Nicole Smiths.

I am not the only one who hates Elmo. Vernon Chatman and John Lee, the creators of MTV2’s dark “Sesame Street” parody, “Wonder Showzen,” think the evil red one is destroying the show.

“Elmo doesn’t grow. People show him something and he laughs. He doesn’t learn a lesson,” says Lee. “It’s the exact opposite of what old ‘Sesame Street’ used to do. Elmo has been learning the same lesson his whole life, which is that Elmo likes Elmo.”

Chatman, who refers to Elmo as the Jar Jar Binks of “Sesame Street,” worries that Elmo teaches kids to care only about themselves.

“Elmo is just a baby-voiced, self-obsessed character who is only concerned with Elmo,” says Lee. “He just passively observes things: ‘Elmo is looking at a sandwich. Elmo is eating a sandwich. Elmo is crapping out the sandwich and writing his name on the wall with it.’ ” The last celebrity to so obsessively refer to himself in the third person was Richard Nixon.

Whereas Count Von Count markets math and Oscar markets the acceptability of negative emotions, Elmo, brilliantly, just markets Elmo, leading him to be the show’s cash cow, or whatever misshapen animal he’s supposed to be.

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About Daniel

Life is grand. This is the story of a new family, a recently married couple and their honeymoon baby girl. Life throws at you some fastballs, and then some curveballs.
This entry was posted in Children, Life. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Elmo is an Evil-Doer!!!

  1. Wendy says:

    Elmo…Well, after that christmas where the tickle me Elmo doll got people hurt I guess that would enply as evil doing?

  2. John Taber says:

    I’m waiting for Strangle Me Elmo.

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