Why is finding a girl to love me so hard for me?

I’m going on a date this Saturday with this awesome girl with a great smile who always finds ways to warm up your day. Yet I feel very hesitant about building my hopes up about this date actually working out with the possibilities of future dates and perhaps a romantic relationship. Why should it work now when it has never worked in the past? I know, this is terrible. Here I am a 29 year old who has never had a long term relationship, who had a girlfriend once for three days, ten years ago and whose longest relationship was six months–back in the seventh grade, to a girl who I did not talk to after the first school dance because I was ashamed. She kept writing me letters in class asking me why I did not talk to her. Finally she wrote one that said, in effect, “that’s it! You don’t care about me, I’m breaking up with you!” I didn’t mind much. I met her later on in life and found her to be quite a well-developed woman and I felt bad that I did not do much more in that relationship. But then I was a punk back in the seventh grade. Why would anyone have wanted someone like me. There actually was a girl in the eighth grade who actually came out and told me quite unequivocally that she loved me. I dismissed her. Now, I’m not gay, mind you. I think guys are ugly, plus my relationships with men over the years have not been good, from my dad to one of my bishops to peers. I love women. But something is not right. I am not allowing even them to be close to me.

So why should it somehow work this time? Well, I am a bit different now than a few months ago, before I considered killing myself. I am much more in control of my life. I can see things much better, and much clearer. And I don’t bullshit around anymore. As an example, for the past five weeks I’ve actually been consistently working out, even though I have no desire to. My simple reason for doing it: if I’m going to suffer in this life of mine and I have nothing to do, I might as well suffer working out. It’s actually worked, even though that’s a very pathetic reason.

I try with all my faculty to make this date a fun one. She likes jazz–we are going to a jazz club. She doesn’t dance well, so we probably won’t dance much. She doesn’t like seafood–she’s from Kansas City of all places–so we’ll eat Chinese or something. I will present myself as honestly as I can, yet avoid the depressing side of my honesty. Not likely that depression will attract women. I will talk about her more than about me. (I remember the lesson from the Disney cartoon Aladdin). And we’ll see what happens.


About Daniel

Life is grand. This is the story of a new family, a recently married couple and their honeymoon baby girl. Life throws at you some fastballs, and then some curveballs.
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